Over the course of several chubby and Pilates-free years, K&K has come to accept the cruel realization that we will never qualify for any Olympic event, let alone a medal to dangle over our beer-softened bellies and make us giggle. The training, determination and tolerance to needles full of performance-enhancing drugs and other people’s blood require too much effort and dedication. But then we started thinking, why should elite athletes get all the glory? There are plenty of things we can do that very few Olympians can ever dream of achieving. So we’ve devised our own Olympics competition based on the unique abilities, skill sets and mental toughness of Team K&K and average shlubs living Slurpee-addicted lives of quiet desperation around the world.
• The 10-Minute Chronic Taco Burrito Dinner of Shame
Having visited the poorly lit, annoyingly loud, dude-a-fied haunts of our local Chronic Taco on more evenings than we’d care to mention, we know a thing or two about the Herculean effort it takes to swallow your pride, as well as a Baja-style fish burrito. Well, try doing that on a Saturday night while your significant other is away and you catch a glimpse of your sad self in the window’s reflection, sprawled out on the sofa while watching an episode of What Not to Wear that you’ve already seen. Even sadder, this amigo is a two-time champion in this gruelling event.
• 99 B-Line Dash
Everyone knows that running for the bus in Vancouver all but guarantees you’ll miss that bus. But at least it gives grumpy public transit employees a brief sense superiority as they shut the doors in your face, pull away from the curb and make you wait a whole five minutes for the next overcrowded U-boat on wheels. It takes a special person to run for the bus and make it. Not only do you need to determine when to use the crosswalk and when to jaywalk, but you need to keep your pace to a casual jog as to not appear too desperate, which bus riders can detect.
• Nonchalantly Inserting Degrassi High References into Conversations Thus Revealing Your Superior Knowledge of Degrassi High While Appearing Charming Rather Than Socially Inept
Think of this as the Decathlon of the K&K Olympics. Anyone with a television in the late ’80s and early ’90s and a passing knowledge of the Canadian teen drama can riff on Joey Jeremiah’s fedora or admit to having a crush on Spike, even after she gave birth to an illegitimate baby. But do you know what concert Shane, the father of Spike’s baby, was going to see before he took acid, jumped off a bridge and suffered irreparable brain damage? (Gourmet Scum). Or what Wheels’ name was when he first appeared in Kids of Degrassi Street (Griff). Or that Joey Jeremiah cheated on Caitlin with Tessa Campanelli, causing Caitlin to confront Joey in arguably the rawest scene of the series when she said, “You were f***ing Tessa Campanelli?” Categories in this event include reciting Zit Remedy lyrics and successfully arguing who was the series’ most annoying couple: Simon and Alexa? Or BLT and Michelle, even though they broke down racial barriers. In case of a tie-breaker, competitors will have to discuss the merits of Mr. Raditch.
k&k@vancourier.com
Twitter: @KudosKvetches
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